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Comments on: First Fruits of Sensing, Looking and Listening http://blog.paradigm-sys.com/archives/232 Sat, 28 Aug 2010 20:47:41 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Sandy http://blog.paradigm-sys.com/archives/232/comment-page-1#comment-17496 Sandy Fri, 09 Oct 2009 23:55:47 +0000 http://blog.paradigm-sys.com/?p=232#comment-17496 I have to admit that I totally skipped out on doing this stuff last weekend. That is usually a bad idea, and truthfully I had a pretty rough weekend. Usually when I don’t meditate I end up feeling very badly about myself. In the past, just a few days without any meditation typically has resulted in a visit to my counselor where I beg him to refer me to someone who will treat my anomalous experiences as a pathological medical condition. He always refuses, but I still ask. For some reason, that didn’t happen this time. It should have. I had one hell of an anomalous weekend, the sort of experiences that could have led anyone to want a cure. But I didn’t want a cure. I just wanted things to work out. I think that realization has changed the experience of meditation for me. It isn’t something I have to do anymore. It can be just for fun, or to learn things about myself, or to make the colors louder... It can be for lots of things, but it doesn’t have to be just to be OK. I feel much more curious about what will happen during the process now. I had never really managed the equanimity thing very well before. The last couple days I’ve been doing these exercises and it has been pretty good. My only problem it that when my eyes are shut and I’m supposed to be focusing on the sensing part, sometimes I get distracted by the colored lights around things. I can sometimes see the colors even with my eyes closed, and they tend to get louder when I do these exercises. But at least I don’t feel like crying when I see them anymore. I have to admit that I totally skipped out on doing this stuff last weekend. That is usually a bad idea, and truthfully I had a pretty rough weekend. Usually when I don’t meditate I end up feeling very badly about myself. In the past, just a few days without any meditation typically has resulted in a visit to my counselor where I beg him to refer me to someone who will treat my anomalous experiences as a pathological medical condition. He always refuses, but I still ask.

For some reason, that didn’t happen this time. It should have. I had one hell of an anomalous weekend, the sort of experiences that could have led anyone to want a cure. But I didn’t want a cure. I just wanted things to work out.

I think that realization has changed the experience of meditation for me. It isn’t something I have to do anymore. It can be just for fun, or to learn things about myself, or to make the colors louder… It can be for lots of things, but it doesn’t have to be just to be OK. I feel much more curious about what will happen during the process now. I had never really managed the equanimity thing very well before.

The last couple days I’ve been doing these exercises and it has been pretty good. My only problem it that when my eyes are shut and I’m supposed to be focusing on the sensing part, sometimes I get distracted by the colored lights around things. I can sometimes see the colors even with my eyes closed, and they tend to get louder when I do these exercises. But at least I don’t feel like crying when I see them anymore.

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